Girls... Our Dirty Little Secrets!

Recently a very good friend of mine asked why girls wear thongs:

I briefly explained this to him but realized that it must be a question of so many and it I feel it is my duty as a girl, to end the pondering.








Consider the choices...


Boy Shorts

Boy Shorts - Sure, who doesn't like a little butt cheek hangin' out, it's cute and sexy. These are only good for the bedroom or running around the house, but they are not good with pants on. These are worse than regular underwear because you're guaranteed to have you ass hanging out rather than the 50/50 chance you have in the "traditional" underwear. 

Granny Panties - This is about the most flattering pair of "granny panties" I could find. I'm sorry, not lace nor satin is going to make these sexy.  I don't care what is hiding behind these things, it should stay there. There is nothing about these that say "take me now". In fact I think they scream "If you couldn't tell by my granny panties, I so am not scrumping you on this date!" When a girl wears these it is how she deals with self-control... I will not have unpredicted sex if I'm wearing unattractive underwear. Me, personally, I'll take my chances with having unpredicted sex before I would subject myself to wearing these things. The only time I owned briefs was in elementary school and that's only because my parent's were buying my clothes. These things are horrible and they are great for wedgies. Sure, if you never bend, take a step or cough, you're cheeks might stay in them, but if you are not a vegetable and have any mobility, you're sure to be picking underwear from your ass all day!

I

Clamando - Derived from the word Commando, is the absence of undwear for the ladies. Unless you are a Hollywood Ho in a dress, waiting to give the paparazzi their clam shot getting out of a car, clamando isn't the best option. When wearing a skirt or a dress it is almost impossible to make it through the day without flipping someone the clam and what does that really say about you? When wearing pants or any bottoms with a seam... well all I have to say is, why do you think the yeast infection cream is such a lucrative business?

Thongs - It really comes down to laziness. Little girls grow up wearing briefs and spend a good majority of their days sticking their fingers in the ass to pull out wedgies. Who wants to do that all day, and God forbid you do it when someone's looking and "where are your manners?" Once you get used to the feeling of some material planted in your crack and you know it's there to stay, you forget about it.

Don't let women fool you that their thongs are "accidentally hanging out of their pants... not true! Why do you think we color coordinate our thongs and our shirts? That's right, because we want to match. We want you to see our thongs... just to get an idea of what you're missing.


Bras - Don't even get me started on bras, they should be called LIES. I can't imagine what it must be like for a guy to see a girl with big ol' perky boobies and get all kinds of excited to tap that and then when the time comes to fromp around and the bra comes off "What the hell is that?" The go every which direction but up or they don't even exist. Why do you think bras come with padding and wires?

Oh My Freakin’ Dog!

Cat and Dog
Proof that I am not an animal hater
See the joy she brings me?

Okay, don’t get me wrong, animals are great. I particularly like animals when they don’t live in my house.  Now don’t start labeling me as an animal hater because I’m not, but I already have 2 kids and a man to pick up after and pets just equal more responsibility, responsibility for me. Why is it that the kids and the man in the house always beg for a pet, the woman is apprehensive about it and after caving in getting a pet, everyone disappears when it’s time to clean up after it, feed it or walk it?

 

What about us Mommy?

Considering the condition of our current economy times are tough and making ends meet can be a real challenge at times. When I have to choose between my kids eating or the dog eating… of course I feed the dog. Then I have this horrible amount of guilt listening to my children’s stomachs growl, but we have no business owning a pet if we can’t take care of it right? After all, I bought the dog, my kids just showed up and I kept them.

Why is it that everyone has the 3-legged dog? You know the one they call lucky (…figure that one out). Or the dog with cataracts or the dog with one different colored and lazy eye? What’s with the dog that smells like feet and is moist with matted hair? The dog with asthma and sneezing fits? Now it’s not that I have anything against these kinds of dogs, but why are they always the ones that want to rub up on you and desperate for some hands-on attention when you’re at someone’s house? You’re thinking… ick, get this frankendog away from me, but you smile and say “eh, nice doggy, yeah, good dog” with a big half cracked cheesy smile while their oh so proud owner looks at you for approval. As soon as they're not looking you try to wipe your hands on anything you can find.

Get your freakin’ nose out of my CROTCH! This by far is the most annoying thing that a dog does. Every time I am enter a person’s home who owns a dog I cringe and cross my fingers when I see the dog coming to greet me “don’t do it, don’t do it”. When a dog heads right for your crotch I feel like it’s some kind of radar detector… “Alert, alert, this person has something going on in there…”. What do you do? Look up at the owner and defend your crotch… “Gee, I don’t know what that’s about”. Or do you just stand there and smile at your friend while the dog sniffs away and breaths it’s hot air all over your crotch? When the owner turns their back you shove the dog’s damn snout away and by the time your friend is looking again the dog’s coming back in for another sniff! “Jesus, would you like me to just drop my pants so you can see for yourself?” “Then the dog won’t need to fill you in later”.

Why is it that when a dog chases my car down the road and ends up under my wheel, I’m a violent criminal? I’m not good at Whack-a-Mole and I’m even worse at Dodging Dogs when I’m in a moving vehicle and it wants to bite my tires. Guess what? I win, you lose. Please keep your dog on a leash so I don’t have to live with the guilt.



Being a Girl Sucks! ...and Other Wicked Important Thoughts, Comments and Concerns

 

Okay, so at one point or another every girl has complained that it’s not fair boys can pee standing up. That’s not entirely true, we can pee standing up, but I wouldn’t recommend it because our aim sucks!  

 

 

Here's something stupid: Apparently enough girls have whined or someone is really trying to be inventive;

 

Yeah, like I'm going to carry one of these in my purse? And when is it exactly that we would need to be using one of these?

 

Beauty and the Beast Exposed

 

 

Is she sending mixed signals?

The most obnoxious guy in all the land

Asks sweet Belle for her hand

She’s smart enough to know better

And so kindly declines

She must be brighter than most chicks

To recognize bad signs
Not just smart she’s brave as well
Nothing scares this pretty Belle
When daddy came up missing
The beast tucked him away

I'll save you daddy!

But Belle would ride into the night
And save her daddy’s day
No beast is going to scare her off
She’ll give herself instead
But Beast must let her daddy go
Before she jumps in bed
She plays hard to get with the beast
Until she can take no more
Oh that saucey little Belle

Can be such a little … bore (get your head out of the gutters!)



Girl, you're working on my last nerve!

The Beast and Belle, they fall in love
Despite his hideous sight
I guess a girl can’t help it
When everything feels right.
Well, as luck would have it that lucky Belle
Who loved so unconditionally
Would end up making out just fine
When the prince was set free
What they fail to tell you
In this famous "fairy tale"
The beast left that pretty Belle
For her younger sister Gayle!

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      How Could You Beast?!





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