Monday, April 8, 2013

Oh My Freakin’ Dog!

Cat and Dog
Proof that I am not an animal hater
See the joy she brings me?
Okay, don’t get me wrong, animals are great. I particularly like animals when they don’t live in my house.  Now don’t start labeling me as an animal hater because I’m not, but I already have 2 kids and a man to pick up after and pets just equal more responsibility, responsibility for me. Why is it that the kids and the man in the house always beg for a pet, the woman is apprehensive about it and after caving in getting a pet, everyone disappears when it’s time to clean up after it, feed it or walk it?
What about us Mommy?
Considering the condition of our current economy times are tough and making ends meet can be a real challenge at times. When I have to choose between my kids eating or the dog eating… of course I feed the dog. Then I have this horrible amount of guilt listening to my children’s stomachs growl, but we have no business owning a pet if we can’t take care of it right? After all, I bought the dog, my kids just showed up and I kept them.
Why is it that everyone has the 3-legged dog? You know the one they call lucky (…figure that one out). Or the dog with cataracts or the dog with one different colored and lazy eye? What’s with the dog that smells like feet and is moist with matted hair? The dog with asthma and sneezing fits? Now it’s not that I have anything against these kinds of dogs, but why are they always the ones that want to rub up on you and desperate for some hands-on attention when you’re at someone’s house? You’re thinking… ick, get this frankendog away from me, but you smile and say “eh, nice doggy, yeah, good dog” with a big half cracked cheesy smile while their oh so proud owner looks at you for approval. As soon as they're not looking you try to wipe your hands on anything you can find.
Get your freakin’ nose out of my CROTCH! This by far is the most annoying thing that a dog does. Every time I am enter a person’s home who owns a dog I cringe and cross my fingers when I see the dog coming to greet me “don’t do it, don’t do it”. When a dog heads right for your crotch I feel like it’s some kind of radar detector… “Alert, alert, this person has something going on in there…”. What do you do? Look up at the owner and defend your crotch… “Gee, I don’t know what that’s about”. Or do you just stand there and smile at your friend while the dog sniffs away and breaths it’s hot air all over your crotch? When the owner turns their back you shove the dog’s damn snout away and by the time your friend is looking again the dog’s coming back in for another sniff! “Jesus, would you like me to just drop my pants so you can see for yourself?” “Then the dog won’t need to fill you in later”.
Why is it that when a dog chases my car down the road and ends up under my wheel, I’m a violent criminal? I’m not good at Whack-a-Mole and I’m even worse at Dodging Dogs when I’m in a moving vehicle and it wants to bite my tires. Guess what? I win, you lose. Please keep your dog on a leash so I don’t have to live with the guilt.


  1. With a name like "Cat"...I wouldn't really peg you as an animal hater..color me surprised. Great blog...very true...and very funny.

  2. Michael,
    Is commenting on my page like wiping the drool of off the mouth of the handicapped... you don't really want to do it but you feel like you have to? That's okay, I'll take it.
    And hey... I thought I made myself pretty clear that I wasn't an animal hater, but I will tell you, I have very little use for cats. Odd? Hey it's a play on my name, I can't help it. I am Catherine the Great!
    Thanks for stopping buddy, my chin is dry now, you're work is done.
    ;-) Cat